23rd september. 12midnight.

Its been a torrentous month or so. I haven't updated in..3 months. Before my job began. WEll, on the 17th of july i began working for Hamilton Sunstrand. Its basically an aerospace company based in the US with production lines in singapore. I work as a planner/buyer for the procurement department. Sounds cool rite? haha.

For the past month..things have been..hectic. Its made me grow up alil more. Changed me somewhat. Since grace I nvr really...believed in emotions. I never thought my feelings for someone would grow again as deep as what i had for her. Apparently the miracle of god is sometimes...unexpected to say the least. Yes yes...so i have. Or...so i claim to have. I won't go into details how i met her. The name of this mystery woman is Marie, Marie Jameelah Medina. From her name you can tell she's not local. She isn't. We met through interesting circumstances. We broke up because...I allowed my penis to think instead of my own head. It happened twice. She forgave me once but...i did it again. So on the 2nd occasion i could never be forgiven. What was it I saw in her. Compassion,love,the ability to care for another person more then herself,and she was beautiful. Simply..just, breathtaking. Grace left a bar up which was pretty hard to reach,marie made it go way top. Thats how much an impact was made. I won't go into more details. I won't hang on to the past. Her last msg to me was "be cheerful again. be happy go lucky. smile again!" With these words i decided to go.

I've been going through depression much this past month. Those who followed these events closely kenw how suicidal i was and how bad it had become. Yet its pass that now. There's no point in killing one self over this, i should know better. Instead...its made me different. Mature. Right now, i know i want to do something in life. Not waste it day after day at the current job i have. Night after night at the computer i spend. I want to do more, i want to make more money then i can spend, i want to meet more people then i can count. I've lived in a game which limits my sights and keeps me locked in a world that cannot grow more then it is.

For over 1yr i've played the same game. Ragnarok Online. I gave my life to it, my dedication to a guild (its a congregation of people who are loyal to ur belief and would listen to ur instructions). I gave up my social life,i gave up time with grace on weekends in the past and i gave up alot more...
at 10am today i'll be getting rid of it. With a belief that I want to make my life different. That i want to make a change. Most people spend their whole lives wanting to make a change but not doing it, they become to comfortable and conceited with what they have and such. Yet now i wish to break from it. This chain of cycle and shit. I wanna be free now, and it was this relationship with marie that opened my eyes. I am called scarlet in game. A color of tainted red...my anger for wei tang. Now its time to put that aside, to be...who i want to be. Alvin. Thats who i am.

I have dreams now. Aspirations, goals and drive. Its a scary future ahead but i want to do this. For my real friends who read this blog, please forgive me for ignoring you for so long, look for me now. sit with me, bask in my happiness of breaking free.

Whats next? University and capoeira. After that? A house and a car. Beyond? I don't know. I have much to say. I bet all of u must be thinking, "how the fuck alvin used his penis to think?!?! Is he really like that?!?" no i'm not. You guys know best since you've been with me for yrs. Is he a loser now? No..instead i believe i gained alot. Thats all from me now.

PS: Cara thinks i'm a gentleman! lol...wtf! Then again so does dawn's room mate sunita. If a 20 yr old says that, i'll doubt. But sunita's 27! lol...my heads swelling. -Insert swelling head-