Its been 3 days since i last entered RO. Kinda easier then i thought it would be hm~
I'm still undecided waht to take! accounting or a general business degree!!! I'm supposed to call jingxi's mum but i've cold feet x_x sorry woman lol...The SIM registrations are closing soon and so i gotta hurry and decide...

On another note. I've been talking to marie recently online each night. To say the least its been...strange. *sighs* As a friend yes i'm doing my part to be there for her and care for her and stuff. She's leaned on my shoulder, punched me to vent her anger and stuff. Yet today, i had an arguement with a guy whom she's pretty close with. When i told her how sorry i was that I seem to have brought her trouble again, all she could say was i love being emo and i love drama. Its got me thinking that all the time i've spent on her being patient and cheering her up, wasn't even worth a moment of her compassion of saying something comforting.

I really hate being under appreciated. I've done alot for her yet those words were just brutally cold. Call me someone who can't take hardship but i don't see how hard it is for her to care. I've been talking to nana lately, sharing my problems with her and filling her up with the things she's missed out. I'll quote what she said

"I've known you for only a year, but I know inside that you're not just another perverted guy. You're fun to be with, a good listener, kind, passionate, lovable and very sweet. You have the willingness to change who you are for the person you love and this is most important."

"This is not sympathy talk. I am dead serious. So be optimistic, because I know there are girls who will treat you better and will take time to understand you. She is out there and if I can say with confidence that you're someone I'd love to date, think of all the girls who'd be willing to do just the same!" (kana, nana was just being nice to say this to cheer me up! don't worry she's like a lil sister to me and she treats me like a brother. She loves you most =P)

Sere mentioned to me a couple of nights ago. She wanted me to forget marie, to let go and be with her instead. I had that dumb founded expression on my face. So i told her..i treated her only as a good friend should. My emotions for marie are hard to udnerstand and unique only to her. To have them for another would be far from possible. since then she's been rather weird in talking to me. She wants me to flirt with her >< sheesh...

Another friend made another point, "Stop listening to other people and what they say, good or bad they only cloud your judgement" Also very true *nods* Listen to what my own heart wants. Thats what the friend told me. I no longer know if i do want her.

Is it worth it waiting for someone whose mind would never change. Is it worth it standing by a person who says she cares yet doesn't. Is it worth it continuing to be a nice guy? Karen thinks i'm being stupid. I quote "You're always like this for all your friends, but seriously do you think she's worth all this?" True. Yet i told karen, this is how i am, what makes me unique. Self less in caring for others. Thats a side of me which people could nvr understand and mistake my sincerity as ill intentions. Questions questions. Yet with only 1 answer. Is it an answer i wish to accept.

Oh yea, karen asked me to post my works in future so here goes. Wrote this for marie a month ago.

Title: I'm Sorry
Lyrics by: Alvin
Tune by: Alvin

Man: Are you in love?
Me: You could say
Man: how'd you meet her?
ME: In town, she was alone...she looked like she needed a friend, a family.
Man: you cared for her?
Me: It was hard not to
Man: Have you missed anyone this much?
Me: yea...my grandma, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye
Man: So she isn't the most important in your life?
Me: She comes in after my grandma, never loved anyone as much.

It’s been a while now
Since we said goodbye,
Been a long time,
Since I’ve felt this way...

It’s been a long time since I fell in love,
It’s been a while now since I’m left alone.
It took great guts to fall in love,
Guess it was even greater for you.

I don't know why I did those things,
I knew I never meant to hurt you,
Those thoughts I had meant nothing,
Only you did.

This smile I once had fades away,
And now I frown once again.
I broke your heart and shattered your faith
Its hitting me in an amplified wave,
Oh baby,
Getting you to forgive me,
Was never my idea.
All I did, all I wanted
Was to make up my mistakes.
It’s not because I didn't love you,
Its more like, I’m afraid I’d hurt you..

Man: Think you'll forget her?
Me: Maybe...maybe not.
Man: Elaborate?
Me: No one can forget a person who meant dearly in their lifetime, yet time has a way
To wash away pain. Yet...even if the pain is washed away, memories remain.
Man: so what was your memory?
Me: I guess the best I had, was a dance in a ballroom with her.

It’s been a long time since I fell in love,
It’s been a while now since I’m left alone.
It took great guts to fall in love,
It was even greater for you.

I lived with my pain,
I’ve cried my tears.
I guess you'd be doing the same,
If I’m feeling this way.

I know I’ve hurt you,
There's nothing more to say,
But I just want you to know,
I love you and I meant it all.
You may,
Think its lie, all that I’ve said.
But no, they weren't,
They meant every bit to me.

Man: Anything you'd do to change?
Me: M...I’d turn back the clock?
Man: Oh? Explain
Me: I’d erase my mistakes...I’d care for her more...say more things to assure her.
Give her my time more...wait for her like she did.
Man: So back to my first question. Did you love her?
Me: I think its obvious now.

Once again, I whisper quietly...
I'm sorry, I mean this, I love you so.
I never meant to hurt you so.
Forgive me, stay with me
Never let go...