15th April...heading to tekong tomorrow. Been almost 2 yrs since i've gone in and now its like heading to the beginning all over again. Beginning...i began when i was with her, now i begin again without her. Maybe its gods way of telling me something, i've nvr been religious since my sec 4 days, never a believer yet i respect him to a deep degree. Call it premonitions or call it silliness, i think...somehow,somewhere i will make a difference. Don't mind me i'm just randoming.

in 7 weeks i'll grow and move on maybe. These 7 weeks would let me be a better person, to traina nd become more disciplined. Maybe no one believes in the army but hey to a certain degree its changed me alittle. Dear friends who read, thank you for the show of support. To those we are always there and care thank you, i won't disappoint you. I will be strong, I am Alvin.

9:49 pm. sunday, freakingly hot(mean the weather)

just a song i've been listening to courtesy of jay chou.net



天空灰得像哭过
tian kong hui de xiang ku guo
The sky is so gray that it looks like it just cried

离开你以后
li kai ni yi hou
After leaving you

並沒有更自由
bing mei you gen zi you
(I) did not regain more freedom

酸酸的空氣
suan suan de kong qi
(From) the air

嗅出我们的距离
xiu chu wo men de ju li
(I) smelt our distance

一幕锥心的结局
yi mu zui xin de jie ju
A heart breaking ending

像呼吸般无法停息
xiang hu xi ban wu fa ting xi
Is continuous just like breathing

抽屉泛黄的日记
chou ti fan huang de ri ji
The yellowing diary lied in the drawer

榨乾了回憶z
ha gan le hui yi
(had) pressed dried [our] memories

那笑容是夏季
na xiao rong shi xia ji
That smile is summer

你我的过去
ni wo de guo qu
Our past

被順時針的忘记
bei shun shi zhen de wang ji
Has been forgotten as time goes by

缺氧过后的爱情
que yang guo hou de ai qing
Love after anoxia (lack of oxygen)

粗心的眼泪是多余
cu xin de yan lei shi duo yu
Careless tears are unnecessary

我知道你我都没有错
wo zhi dao ni wo dou mei you cuo
I know that the fault is not in either one of us

只是忘了怎么退后
zhi shi wang le ze me tui hou
We just forgot how to step back

信誓旦旦给了承诺
xin shi dan dan gei le cheng nuo
We made promises to each other with confidence

却被时间扑了空
que bei shi jian pu le kong
Yet it has been emptied by time

我知道我们都没有错
wo zhi dao wo men dou mei you cuo
I know that the fault is not in either one of us

只是放手会比较好过
zhi shi fang shou hui bi jiao hao guo
It's just that letting go would make things easier

最美的爱情回忆里待續
zui mei de ai qing hui yi li dai xu
The most beautiful love is to be continued in [my] memory

Blogging...some people take it as a means of escape, others find comfort in entering their diaries online. For me..i've returned once more to go on another sad tale. Its been almost 2 yrs since i met her. The girl with the sprakle and charm which still enthralls me till date. The woman who changed my views and prospects on how emotions should be like. The woman who makes me frown at her actions yet lets her do it so she would learn. Yes..i loved her truly. 2 yrs ago i blogged about mystery woman, it turned out to be grace. 2 yrs..gosh has it truly been so long we've known each other.

I still remember the lingering memories of sending emails to her and waiting in anticipation for her reply,i still recall the boyish grin i'd carry on my face and walking each day. I still recall our days online chatting on the mike for hrs on end. I remember...i remember..these are but just memories now. Whats most..i remember see'ing her outside ACS barker for the first time waiting for me at the bus stop. Her shyness and rosy cheeks still linger in my mind.

I remember bringing her around to meet my friends and people who meant so much to me, i wanted the world to know who she was. It didn't matter what people thought about her, i was happy and proud of her. I remembered her first tears in front of me as i revealed my valentines day poem to her a yr ago..now thinking back..i would always remember our hugs and kisses. I felt like a child with her, i could be who i wanted to be, i could bear my soul and be everything i could for her. alas..i couldn't be there for her and be the man she wants. Its been almost 3 months since we broke up..Yet i seem to still linger on.

Lingering...i suppose most people wouldn't linger on for so long. I should know i've been through heartaches before. I ask myself now what is it that binds me to feel so strongly for a woman such as grace. The answer is simple, the glee and happiness in her eyes that shone when i gave her the ring, a ring that marks my love and how much i truly loved her.

Regret..people regret half their lives. Now at the end of my 2 yrs in national service. I hold regret on a few things. Most of all..i regret not devoting more time with grace. I had givent oo much of my time to ragnarok online. Buidling a guild, a family in the game and going through trials and tribulations which i've managed to infuse as lessons for reality. I've made good friends whom i hope to carry on life with. Yet...i lost the one thing that mattered the most to me. Was it worth it? I don't know..Something tells me..there could've been so much more i could've given her had i not played so much.

Even at this moment. 2 things she said after we broke up would always linger on in me and be lessons in my life. I was a distraction and I am immatured.. These things still sting my heart as i type now but yes things like this do happen i suppose. Jingxi,dawn,cara and the many others who've stood by me..thanks...for the advice and everything. You've all been guides for me and have pointed me in the right direction. Would i take it or would i collapse into my own despair..i don't know. One things for sure though. I want to grow up..i want to do things i've nvr done yet always wished i could. I'm 22, i'm young, i'm energetic and i've drive now. I wanna be even better then i can be...

So now..why blog this? Maybe..in another yr,another 2...or..maybe 6. I'll look back and read on all this..on all my silliness and laugh, or just remind myself that yes..i did love someone in my life before and it was truly a moment which can be coined, dolce vita.

*listening to kiss goodbye by wang lee hom*

Written on 9th April 2007.
Alvin