Wake me up when september ends. Its now october 1st.
Yesterday,she told me she still loves her ex alot. That she's gonna try to be with him and change herself for the better so that he'd want her back. Surprisingly, those are the exact same things i was doing. Everything she told me, things she said and things she planned had a freaky similarity to whatever i had planned out.

It was sad to know i was nothing but a rebound for her. Yet its good, both of us had a platform to take off from and decide what and where we are heading with our lives. I still thank god for the day I met her. She taught me alot, she broke the mold that grace left behind.

I can't beat a guy who can be there for her always. I'm just an entity far away from her that doesn't exist. But i know i exist, and i'll live on happily.

Genesis has been stressful so far. Different people and methods of working. I'm learning to cope now. Will be applying for SMU tonight. Hope i can get that interview and get through it too =\

At least...september is over now. I'll leave this book open and uncompleted. I choose to be there for her as a good friend and forever smile when she does,be strong for her when she needs me.

smiling. learning to smile is a very difficult thing to do. Especially if you've tried really hard to do so.

I spent the day at home today sleeping,chatting with my ex guildies and relaxing. I think the only reason i've been so...frustrated with marie and such is due to sitting at my desk for 8 hrs a day doing minimal work and when i don't work i tend to think, and i'm the sort who thinks ALOT. Since i'll be posted to genesis on monday it means more work and less time ot think. Working form 8am to 11pm is what i heard i'll have to face in this department. Less time for me to spend time with marie as well. She'll be working soon at her mystery job so...i guess i might have to say byebye soon.

Had a good chat with a friend today. He knockd some perception into me about women. Kinda intersting though. I guess i wasn't pushing the wrong buttons. Its just the issue of culture and such that might be whats wrong. M~ wish me luck at my new department. I'll be off to lala land now!

M...I allow myself to be too soft. To think too much into her actions and such.
She's just overly friendly i suppose and being friendly with me is just how she is as and with other people too.

She did make known that she wasn't looking forward to anything else between me and her. So i guess i answered my own questions. Move on alvin,move on. No point thinking, pondering and wondering on your birthday about what should be or what could be because you're sitting here thinking of this, yet is she...does she even bother with it.

This is the problem with me and her, lack of communication. I suppose fei is right. Let go, move on, don't look back. Yet...i still bother about her even when i want to do all that.

I wish i knew how you still feel

Break time its lunch. Happy birthday to myself.

Starting to get stressed up again. I might get transfered to another department called Genesis. Its a more complex place with more work and the environment is very different. Whats good about it is i'll be given the chance to shine as compared to where i am at the moment. Not sure if i should. Yet at the same time i guess i must.

I officially declare i'm emotionally fucked. One moment marie can be really cold, the next she can get really happy and spam chats with me. She doesn't like me poking around her head and figuring out what she thinks but at the same time I'm being confused like nuts. I'm still trying very hard to be there for her, to have 5 mins with her and such. Sometimes she likes it other times she just ignores me. It really is making me feel crappy. She'll be starting a new job soon too, what is it she won't say. I guess i shouldn't probe too much too.

Tonight its gonna be a party with cara and the rest from WLNY. It'll be fun cos the last time we all went out together was 2 yrs ago. I hope they aren't planning any nasty pranks on me ><

My birthday wish...I have but 3 i guess. I won't say it out. But i doubt they'll come true too. Oh well, just a wish.

Do you still feel the same,
Or do you like the attention i give.
Does it matter to you what i feel or think
Or am i just another man.
I'd rather you tell me straight now
then to keep me waiting and guessing

An interesting thing just happened to me.

*Me pee'ing at the urinal*
Machinist: excuse me *reaches to grab a box beside me on a ledge*
Me: oops sorry *starts to shift slightly while still pee'ing*
-_- WTF! after he left i started to think what did he expect me to do, tell me piss to return inside me and i let him take his box?

sheesh...

More drama from my online life. Shit just keeps piling. I just gave my apologies and walked. I should've done that a loooong time ago when i finished the army. Lingering...thats just me. Trying to make things better and being nice often gets interpreted by people as other wise. Kinda sucks. And when you try to explain urself and make them understand, its kinda like..wiping a blood stain with a cloth, it keeps getting worse.

Oh well. The capoeira school hasn't replied me. I should sue! lol!! I should drop them another call soon. jingxi left me an sms at 6+ this morning wishing me happy birthday. God it was so sweet of her

Its been 3 days since i last entered RO. Kinda easier then i thought it would be hm~
I'm still undecided waht to take! accounting or a general business degree!!! I'm supposed to call jingxi's mum but i've cold feet x_x sorry woman lol...The SIM registrations are closing soon and so i gotta hurry and decide...

On another note. I've been talking to marie recently online each night. To say the least its been...strange. *sighs* As a friend yes i'm doing my part to be there for her and care for her and stuff. She's leaned on my shoulder, punched me to vent her anger and stuff. Yet today, i had an arguement with a guy whom she's pretty close with. When i told her how sorry i was that I seem to have brought her trouble again, all she could say was i love being emo and i love drama. Its got me thinking that all the time i've spent on her being patient and cheering her up, wasn't even worth a moment of her compassion of saying something comforting.

I really hate being under appreciated. I've done alot for her yet those words were just brutally cold. Call me someone who can't take hardship but i don't see how hard it is for her to care. I've been talking to nana lately, sharing my problems with her and filling her up with the things she's missed out. I'll quote what she said

"I've known you for only a year, but I know inside that you're not just another perverted guy. You're fun to be with, a good listener, kind, passionate, lovable and very sweet. You have the willingness to change who you are for the person you love and this is most important."

"This is not sympathy talk. I am dead serious. So be optimistic, because I know there are girls who will treat you better and will take time to understand you. She is out there and if I can say with confidence that you're someone I'd love to date, think of all the girls who'd be willing to do just the same!" (kana, nana was just being nice to say this to cheer me up! don't worry she's like a lil sister to me and she treats me like a brother. She loves you most =P)

Sere mentioned to me a couple of nights ago. She wanted me to forget marie, to let go and be with her instead. I had that dumb founded expression on my face. So i told her..i treated her only as a good friend should. My emotions for marie are hard to udnerstand and unique only to her. To have them for another would be far from possible. since then she's been rather weird in talking to me. She wants me to flirt with her >< sheesh...

Another friend made another point, "Stop listening to other people and what they say, good or bad they only cloud your judgement" Also very true *nods* Listen to what my own heart wants. Thats what the friend told me. I no longer know if i do want her.

Is it worth it waiting for someone whose mind would never change. Is it worth it standing by a person who says she cares yet doesn't. Is it worth it continuing to be a nice guy? Karen thinks i'm being stupid. I quote "You're always like this for all your friends, but seriously do you think she's worth all this?" True. Yet i told karen, this is how i am, what makes me unique. Self less in caring for others. Thats a side of me which people could nvr understand and mistake my sincerity as ill intentions. Questions questions. Yet with only 1 answer. Is it an answer i wish to accept.

Oh yea, karen asked me to post my works in future so here goes. Wrote this for marie a month ago.

Title: I'm Sorry
Lyrics by: Alvin
Tune by: Alvin

Man: Are you in love?
Me: You could say
Man: how'd you meet her?
ME: In town, she was alone...she looked like she needed a friend, a family.
Man: you cared for her?
Me: It was hard not to
Man: Have you missed anyone this much?
Me: yea...my grandma, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye
Man: So she isn't the most important in your life?
Me: She comes in after my grandma, never loved anyone as much.

It’s been a while now
Since we said goodbye,
Been a long time,
Since I’ve felt this way...

It’s been a long time since I fell in love,
It’s been a while now since I’m left alone.
It took great guts to fall in love,
Guess it was even greater for you.

I don't know why I did those things,
I knew I never meant to hurt you,
Those thoughts I had meant nothing,
Only you did.

This smile I once had fades away,
And now I frown once again.
I broke your heart and shattered your faith
Its hitting me in an amplified wave,
Oh baby,
Getting you to forgive me,
Was never my idea.
All I did, all I wanted
Was to make up my mistakes.
It’s not because I didn't love you,
Its more like, I’m afraid I’d hurt you..

Man: Think you'll forget her?
Me: Maybe...maybe not.
Man: Elaborate?
Me: No one can forget a person who meant dearly in their lifetime, yet time has a way
To wash away pain. Yet...even if the pain is washed away, memories remain.
Man: so what was your memory?
Me: I guess the best I had, was a dance in a ballroom with her.

It’s been a long time since I fell in love,
It’s been a while now since I’m left alone.
It took great guts to fall in love,
It was even greater for you.

I lived with my pain,
I’ve cried my tears.
I guess you'd be doing the same,
If I’m feeling this way.

I know I’ve hurt you,
There's nothing more to say,
But I just want you to know,
I love you and I meant it all.
You may,
Think its lie, all that I’ve said.
But no, they weren't,
They meant every bit to me.

Man: Anything you'd do to change?
Me: M...I’d turn back the clock?
Man: Oh? Explain
Me: I’d erase my mistakes...I’d care for her more...say more things to assure her.
Give her my time more...wait for her like she did.
Man: So back to my first question. Did you love her?
Me: I think its obvious now.

Once again, I whisper quietly...
I'm sorry, I mean this, I love you so.
I never meant to hurt you so.
Forgive me, stay with me
Never let go...

23rd september. 12midnight.

Its been a torrentous month or so. I haven't updated in..3 months. Before my job began. WEll, on the 17th of july i began working for Hamilton Sunstrand. Its basically an aerospace company based in the US with production lines in singapore. I work as a planner/buyer for the procurement department. Sounds cool rite? haha.

For the past month..things have been..hectic. Its made me grow up alil more. Changed me somewhat. Since grace I nvr really...believed in emotions. I never thought my feelings for someone would grow again as deep as what i had for her. Apparently the miracle of god is sometimes...unexpected to say the least. Yes yes...so i have. Or...so i claim to have. I won't go into details how i met her. The name of this mystery woman is Marie, Marie Jameelah Medina. From her name you can tell she's not local. She isn't. We met through interesting circumstances. We broke up because...I allowed my penis to think instead of my own head. It happened twice. She forgave me once but...i did it again. So on the 2nd occasion i could never be forgiven. What was it I saw in her. Compassion,love,the ability to care for another person more then herself,and she was beautiful. Simply..just, breathtaking. Grace left a bar up which was pretty hard to reach,marie made it go way top. Thats how much an impact was made. I won't go into more details. I won't hang on to the past. Her last msg to me was "be cheerful again. be happy go lucky. smile again!" With these words i decided to go.

I've been going through depression much this past month. Those who followed these events closely kenw how suicidal i was and how bad it had become. Yet its pass that now. There's no point in killing one self over this, i should know better. Instead...its made me different. Mature. Right now, i know i want to do something in life. Not waste it day after day at the current job i have. Night after night at the computer i spend. I want to do more, i want to make more money then i can spend, i want to meet more people then i can count. I've lived in a game which limits my sights and keeps me locked in a world that cannot grow more then it is.

For over 1yr i've played the same game. Ragnarok Online. I gave my life to it, my dedication to a guild (its a congregation of people who are loyal to ur belief and would listen to ur instructions). I gave up my social life,i gave up time with grace on weekends in the past and i gave up alot more...
at 10am today i'll be getting rid of it. With a belief that I want to make my life different. That i want to make a change. Most people spend their whole lives wanting to make a change but not doing it, they become to comfortable and conceited with what they have and such. Yet now i wish to break from it. This chain of cycle and shit. I wanna be free now, and it was this relationship with marie that opened my eyes. I am called scarlet in game. A color of tainted red...my anger for wei tang. Now its time to put that aside, to be...who i want to be. Alvin. Thats who i am.

I have dreams now. Aspirations, goals and drive. Its a scary future ahead but i want to do this. For my real friends who read this blog, please forgive me for ignoring you for so long, look for me now. sit with me, bask in my happiness of breaking free.

Whats next? University and capoeira. After that? A house and a car. Beyond? I don't know. I have much to say. I bet all of u must be thinking, "how the fuck alvin used his penis to think?!?! Is he really like that?!?" no i'm not. You guys know best since you've been with me for yrs. Is he a loser now? No..instead i believe i gained alot. Thats all from me now.

PS: Cara thinks i'm a gentleman! lol...wtf! Then again so does dawn's room mate sunita. If a 20 yr old says that, i'll doubt. But sunita's 27! lol...my heads swelling. -Insert swelling head-